Communication difficulties are blamed for nearly all marital problems. The feeling that one is not understood or cannot make oneself heard is troubling and deeply unsettling for many partners. However, most therapists and relationship counselors actually make the problem worse, and in “solving” it actually expedite the divorce that they were trying to 
avoid.
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Think about this scenario and ask yourself if it sounds familiar:
“Julia and Lester had been married for seven years. They had two young children, and were beginning to feel the effects of the stress that accompanies the joys of having a young family. Julia felt like Lester really did not spend any more time at home than he had to, preferring to work late hours rather than help her take care of the babies. Lester, on the other hand, felt like his steadfast determination to provide for his family was going unnoticed and unappreciated as Julia became more and more tired and stressed out about household chores. Neither felt interesting to the other anymore, and nobody wanted to talk about much of anything when they did occasionally get a moment alone. The situation was getting so bad that they actually could go for days without talking to each other about anything other than the food on the dinner table (when Lester was home for dinner) or whose turn it was to take the garbage out. The two felt their marriage was over, but in a last ditch attempt decided to work with a marriage counselor to try and figure things out. She immediately realized that neither was communicating with the other clearly, and began teaching them more effective ways to express themselves to each other.”
If this sounds familiar so far, then you absolutely must read what happened to Julia and Lester, and what happens to over 80 percent of couples in troubled who visit traditional marriage counselors.
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“Julia and Lester both worked hard at the counseling sessions. Neither one wanted to put their children through the trauma of a divorce, and so they diligently practiced clearly stating to each other exactly how they felt about everything the counselor said and at home whenever the occasion arose in their daily lives. After a few months of this, it became clear to both of them that they and their partner were seriously, truly and gravely unhappy. Believing that such a situation could not possibly result in a happy, normal home for their children, they agreed to part ways and were divorced shortly thereafter.”
Learning to communicate more clearly is, as you can see, not always the right marriage relationship advice. If you learn communication without the appropriate negotiating skills to go with it, you will simply communicate your distaste, distrust and dissatisfaction with the situation more clearly than ever before. Most marriage counselors believe that they can resolve a situation by simply improving the lines of communication, but if couples cannot address the real issues at the heart of the communication problem – such as, in Julia and Lesters’ case, that neither felt interesting or appreciated anymore – then all a couple will discover is that they were right about being miserable all along. This is the main reason that nearly 80 percent of troubled marriages end in divorce, when in reality only about 10 percent really warrant this drastic measure.
If your marriage has deteriorated since you began counseling, the hard truth is that it may be your counselor’s fault. Get the right kind of counseling and get your marriage back on track today by signing up for Lee Baucom’s e-course on saving your marriage even if only one of you believes it can be saved.
